Photo: Michael Becker/FOX.It seems that either very few people still have a singing voice after a grueling week of Hollywood-related shenanigans (One Direction walked by one day and everybody screamed), or the show explicitly aired the hoarsest and most terrified contestants during Wednesday’s hour-long presentation of Solo Round, because they were…interesting? Dramatic? Awful? I’d have rather seen the hands-down best performances of the round than the same few faves messing up but being so adorable that it doesn’t matter. No one wants to watch the judges pretend to remember that 17-year-old Emily Brooke was “not ready last season.” We get it, guys. You have a cheat sheet.
The remaining 75 contestants are afforded no such luxury as a janky-ass poster board of song selections is swarmed by what a British producer type calls “a lot of crazy animals.” He must be referring to teens. TEENS. They’re everywhere, coughing and crying and engaging in lopsided flirting that the editors and Ryan Seacrest will be abusing for weeks to come. Tiny crooner Lee Jean is head-over-sneaks in love with Sarah Sturm (“Ohhhh my god I just wanna keep having this much fun!” is about the best description of a crush I’ve ever heard), but tragically, she considers him like a little brother. They still have a lot in common, though. They both miss their beds.
Tensions rise as the judges hover over grids of the teens, peering closely to see whose faces are the hottest. Meanwhile, producers separate the trembling herd into three rooms and Solo Round becomes what it was always meant to be: an all-out slasher movie. “I’m nervous to hear any screams,” a blonde girl whispers to another nearby. They’re cannon fodder, of course — it’s a no for Room 2. “If we got nickels for every time someone told us no, we’d have a ton of nickels,” Harry assures the dejected swamp of humanity. The teens blink back at him, sleepy and hollow. What’s a nickel?
Other highlights:
Jennifer Lopez eats a mango: “It’s all I get for the whole day!”
Cher look-alike Stephany Negrete, whom J.Lo supports because — why else? She can walk in heels. They have heel classes, you know. (Keith Urban knows.)
MacKenzie Bourg, a much younger, much shorter John Mayer with glasses. This guy is 23, but for the sake of clarity, let’s just say he’s 15 because they all look 15 and most of them are 15. His original song “Roses” includes the line, “Life is a lie and it goes so fast / Reach out and grab it while supplies last.” Kid’s got soul; I stand corrected. “It’s like the lost Ed Sheeran track,” marvels Keith, fully onboard. Keith only likes the guitar players.
Wheezy Miss Alaska, the most mature 21-year-old in the world, gives up her chosen song — “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts — to 15-year-old Tristan McIntosh, who didn’t understand the rules of the poster board and is in the throes of a meltdown because that’s the song she was told she could sing to her military mom, a radiant recurring audience member who’s returned from active duty in Kuwait. Tristan’s voice is beautiful, but what happens when she has to emote about something other than a parent?
Tonight is the “American Idol Showcase” — 51 contestants pouring their plucky guts out in front of a live audience — so it should be much more exciting. In the meantime, I’m off to mourn the loss of John Wayne Schulz, that steaming heap of cowboy poured into a tight gray tee, with a stiff shot of moonshine. Yeehaw!
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