Relationship advice isn't one-size-fits-all, so it helps to get a range of opinions. And while we're huge fans of credentialed sex and relationship experts, sometimes you just need some real talk from women who've been there. That's why we've decided to draw from Refinery29's library of personal stories to glean some real-world advice. These are people who've been through specific romantic challenges and have come out of them wiser — and are happy to spread their newfound wisdom.
Several of them discovered unique ways to weather a breakup. Others found joy in adding a third person to their long-term relationship. And a few realized the bliss of opting not to Instagram stalk prospective dates. Whatever the story, their credentials come from blood-sweat-and-tears experience.
We've rounded up some of our favorite pieces of relationship advice from our arsenal of real-life experts. Click through for tips that will (with any luck) help you get through some common relationship challenges. And don't forget to check back, since we'll be adding new lessons regularly.
"Since my matches didn’t know about my wheelchair, I knew I’d have to explicitly tell them at some point, so I tried a few different tactics. Sometimes, I would tell them after a few minutes of messaging; other times, I would wait a week or so, until I was sure the guy was someone I would go out with. I eventually tried making it obvious in my profile picture. But none of these strategies made a difference: The end result, more often than not, was terrible."
"I Told My Tinder Matches About My Disability — & Got The Worst Reaction " by Kristen Parisi
"I can’t help but feel that I lack a certain bisexual street cred. Whenever I publicly identify as bi, I sense a side-eyed response that's probably all in my head, but feels intensely real. More than that, I feel like my lack of experience will let down every bisexual woman I attempt to ask out, and that I'll be used as proof to skeptics who think that all people who identify as bi are just making it up."
"I've Never Hooked Up With A Woman, But I Know I'm Bi " by Molly Horan
"You generally don’t give something up for Lent unless it’s hard for you to do — a vice, I guess. And that’s what we were. We were each other’s vices. We weren’t necessarily good for each other, but we didn’t know how to leave each other alone. I tried, I really did. I dated other people, but continued sleeping with him behind their backs. I’d leave dates to meet him when he beckoned me. I told myself it was the sex that kept me going back. And that was part of it, sure. But the truth was, I needed the validation. I needed to feel worthy. I needed to hold onto him as proof that I was desirable."
"My Boyfriend Gave Me Up For Lent — But I Still Wanted Him Back " by Britni de la Cretaz
We can be quick to categorize a mismatch on one hobby as a deal-breaker — one friend told me that on her second date with her now-husband, he revealed he didn’t like dessert and she almost ended it then and there. ‘But it’s not the things that you do together that matter as much as the way that you are with each other,’ says Dr. Greer. It’s a mismatch on values, not movies, that should be a red flag.
"Does It Matter If You & Your Partner Love The Same Things? " by Sara Gaynes Levy
"I’d receive frantic emails from users claiming that they sent money to a person whom they haven’t heard back from, and there would be nothing I could do except ban the account and IP address that scammed them. Some scammers were quite smart, and many of them adapted their stories and methods to trick internet-savvy online daters into revealing private financial information."
"I Had An Inside Look Into People's Online Dating Messages — & It Was Disturbing " by Zoe Ligon
"I went home with my purchases and it was like discovering my genitals for the very first time — except this time I was having orgasms and dedicating significant time to the practice. I would masturbate, eat a snack, masturbate more, meet up with friends, pretend to run home and grab something I needed in order to masturbate more, meet back up with my friends, and so on. I had broken the seal. My life was an orgasm party, and it was great!"
"How I Learned To Orgasm " by Zoe Ligon
"We prided ourselves in a relationship founded on honesty and transparency. And yet, money was the one subject I was afraid to touch. Being broke when he wasn’t made me feel shitty and sad. So I hid it."
"The $30 Pizza That Almost Destroyed My Relationship " by Jonathan Parks-Ramage
"I’m sure I wasn’t alone in thinking that squirting wasn’t “real,” but exploring it has given me more confidence about my sexuality and my body’s natural processes. Like achieving orgasm, squirting is not crucial to sexual enjoyment and people who squirt aren’t having “better sex” than those who don’t. But it is a very real and intense, worthwhile sexual experience for a lot of women — and I’m one of them."
"What Learning To Squirt Taught Me About My Body " by Zoe Ligon
"Even comedies that were once “ours” were transformed. Louie, for example, was a totally different experience. As half of a happy couple, I laughed at Louie’s lonely life unfolding from a safe, slightly superior place. Post-breakup, though, I felt Louie's loneliness acutely. Everything once totally laughable seemed a little too real, a little too grim. So I gave up on that one, too."
"My Year Of Breakups: First My Boyfriend, Then TV " by Carolyn L. Todd
"The Big Penis mythos is damaging to men with big penises as well — and the women who sleep with them. Many men with big dicks have been so thoroughly convinced that they were born with everything they need to make a woman scream with pleasure, that they often give themselves a 'Good Sex certificate, without ever taking any courses in the art of pleasure."
"Why Big Penises Are Not Necessarily God's Gift To Women " by Alicia Morgan
"For all the pain it had caused, cheating had taught me just how significant trust was in a relationship. Without it, there was no chance of building a meaningful and deep connection. I knew how easy it was to break that trust, and how difficult (if not impossible) it was to rebuild if it was lost. I held onto that trust in my newfound relationship as the single most important value, and protected it with everything I had."
"What Cheating Taught Me About Love " by Allison Hope
"My many relationships have fallen somewhere between a string of not-so-great first dates and being in love. I've enjoyed the fun aspects of being with a partner without being tied down to one person emotionally. And, since I don't have a top-notch memory, it also requires keeping a handy list in my phone."
"Do You Need A Dating Rotation? " by Caitlin Thornton
"But, when I'm down and out again, thankfully, I have amazing family and friends to turn to. People who will fly 3,000 miles to drink whiskey in PJs and discuss man's inherent morality while watching Catching Fire with me. People who understand that I will be a black cloud on a very, very sunny island and love me anyway. It may be cliché, but my people helped me survive, even when I didn't want, or couldn't bring myself, to talk. For the one relationship I lost, I've gained other deeper, more meaningful ones."
"What I Learned When My Boyfriend Cheated On Me " by Diana Nguyen
"The stress and anxiety of whether or not I should say it was too much. ‘I love you’ was constantly on the tip of my tongue, considering carefully whether to step out or not, like a kitten considering emerging from its crate into an unfamiliar room. So one night, I decided to just get out with it already."
"Why This Outdated Relationship Rule Needs To Die " by Vanessa Golembewski
"People are going to continue having sex, whether or not they’re married, above the age of 18, or monogamous — that won’t ever change. What could change is the way we learn and talk about sex so that we’re sex positive, equip with the knowledge that will help us avoid STIs, and seek help without guilt or shame if we do."
"I Only Had Sex With One Person & Got The Most Common STI " by Danielle Sepulveres
"My therapist once said: ‘If you have family members who are alcoholics, you have no choice but to stand by them. But dating an alcoholic is completely different: You choose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, and that is one choice I would never recommend.’ I was two years into my relationship when she said this to me, but I wasn’t strong enough to leave until two more."
"What It's Like To Date A Closet Alcoholic " by Julissa Catalan
"When I shined the light of logic on my damaging self-beliefs — 'I have to be thin to be loved' and 'Being in your '30s equals being close to death and therefore irrelevant' — they didn’t do so well. These beliefs had nothing to do with the badass bitch I knew myself to be. They didn’t align with my core values, and I would never subject another woman to those platitudes."
"How Watching My Partner Date Other People Increased My Self-Worth " by Samia Mounts
"Deep down, we all know that quality wins over quantity every time, but when you're the one waiting on quality while your skinny friends have a million first dates, it's not an easy road."
"Is Online Dating Different For Plus-Size Women? " by Cece Olisa
"I'm only human, and that love was very real — maybe the realest one yet. It took him knowing me, it took me trusting him, it took us being honest with each other — all elements of a great friendship — to understand what the best version of our relationship can be right now. We’re two people who shared something special, and will always care about each other, but we can’t co-exist in a healthy way at the moment."
"Can You Really Stay Friends With An Ex? " by Christine Sulik
"Not only will I stop looking at the Instagram accounts of the people I am sleeping with (I'm talking about checking their tagged photos and their activity; it's fine to follow them like a normal person), but I also vow to stop inspecting their ex-girlfriend's Instagrams. And the girls whose photos they are 'liking.' It’s best to just not go there, or I end up reading into things too much."
"9 Dating & Sex Resolutions " by Martha Flynn
"Four weeks A.D. (After Dissolution), I had already exhausted a number of coping mechanisms: I had listened to the new Adele album, binge-watched Jessica Jones, and eaten cookies for dinner. But since my breakup, which happened to occur the day after I ran the New York City Marathon, the one self-care action I hadn’t been taking was working out."
"How ClassPass Helped Me Recover From An Awful Breakup " by Acacia O'Connor
"My partner, Ryan*, and I are non-monogamous. When we first opened things up two years ago, we both hooked up with people separately, but we were also eager to engage in our first threesome. This turned out to be a challenge."
"My Boyfriend & I Got A Girlfriend — & This Is What Happened " by Alicia Morgan
"It’s not that sex stopped. (We actually had sex even before we were supposed to, five weeks after our baby was born — and yes, I had an episiotomy.) It’s that it changed. Sex has been part of my life since I was a teenager and I was pretty confident that I knew what it felt like and how to do it. I was wrong."
"6 Things No One Tells You About Sex After Childbirth " by Claire Litton-Cohn
"I spent all my spare time with the two of them and quickly developed a sense of comfort within this new role. People would often presume I was her mother when we were out, and we all behaved as though I was. At two years old, she was still wearing nappies and learning how to form coherent sentences, so it was far easier for me to step into this type of relationship than if she’d been older. We were both developing new skills, and this helped to bond us."
"What I Learned From Falling In Love With A Single Father " by Katherine Phillips
"I went to three festivals this summer without him; I don't think he viewed my muddy Doc Martens with the slightest bit of resentment. But I’ve also had to learn to give more importance to quiet time, and to actually schedule them in. We may be opposites, but I'm still definitely attracted enough to my opposite to clear the diary for him."
"When You Love Going Out And Your Partner Loves Staying In " by Holly Williams
"Yes, it’s taking me longer than most people (or seemingly longer than all people) to meet someone. Luckily, the thing that keeps me from screaming at bare walls is patience. I stay sane thanks to the calm knowledge that the universe doesn’t owe me anything; I already have quite a lot, and I can wait for the rest."
"2,190 Days Without 'I Love You '" by Shani Silver
"I think he’s a good person, and one I wouldn’t have gotten to know if he hadn’t expertly maneuvered his way into a date with me. Which makes me think maybe, just maybe, his Mystery education didn't teach him to treat women like prey — or at least, that part of the education didn’t stick. Instead, the classes actually helped mold him into someone who could bravely reach out after years of silence to express vulnerability and respect."
"I Knew He Was A Pickup Artist, But I Dated Him Anyway " by Andrea Bartz
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